She Ionizes and Atomizes

Food is fuel.
Food is not happiness, it is not sadness, it is not a coping mechanism.
Food is not your friend, it is not your enemy.
Food is not love, it is not hate, it is not there as a shoulder to cry on, and it is not going to kill you, either.
Food is fuel.

Dear Bulimia,
 I hate you. I HATE you so much. You take away my happiness and you make me feel like a miserable piece of shit. You tell me there is an option so that I can have my cake and eat it too, along with some chicken, cookies, rice, pasta, and chips. You literally hurt me, you give me headaches and make my throat sore, you make me moody and you make me yell at my boyfriend. You make me cry. You make me feel fatter than I have ever been even though I am thinner than I have ever been. You pretend like food is alright to cope with, you pretend like I might as well just eat everything if I'm going to eat anything substantial at all. You urge me to see that one more pound lost tomorrow and then when I do it, you tell me I'm fat so I just need to lose more. I've met my goal weight 4 times already. First it was 150, then 140, then 130, then 125. Now I'm there, I'm at 124 and you're telling me its not enough, I need to weigh 120? 115? I know that 125 is perfectly fine for my height, why do you make me want to weigh less? Aren't you ever happy? No! You're not! I have to eat more, puke more, and then eat after that! Get a life! So listen, bulimia, I hate you. And I know you're not going anywhere right now, but you need to get the fuck out of my life pretty damn soon, alright?

Yours Truly,
    Kendra

My scale. Oh my God, my scale. It dominates me. I weigh myself every day multiple times, and whatever the number says judges how I feel about everything. I hate it so much, but I rely on it like it's something that is so important.

I hate my scale. I would smash it with a crowbar until it was in little tiny glass fragments.
and then I would probably go buy another one.

uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....my short temper. heh. yep.

yesterday to go party at Plymouth State University, which almost killed me, not to mention bringing me to court and slapping me with a hefty fine.


god i wish i remember last night, and i wish i could stop feeling like puking my brains out.

I'm going to Plym Plym to see Lauren and have a wonderful time, and I cannot friggen wait. I need a break and I need some Berlin friends because school has been so stressful lately.

But I don't know when I'm going because I thought I was going on Saturday....but apparently now I'm going tonight. So someone better call me.

Yes, I've been skinny dipping with Nicole at her camp. We went out into the middle of the lake where we thought that no one would be able to see us. We jumped out of the old paddle boat and into the frigid water, then decided to take our bathing suits off to be 'free.' After throwing our suits back into the boat we swam around for awhile like stupid teenagers and laughed about how weird it felt. We recovered our bathing suits, with trouble of course, and slipped them back on just in time for her father to yell to us about lunch.

Of course later that night her fathers girlfriend would explain that they could see that we had thrown our bikinis into the boat. Super embarrassing. 

haha. SHOWER! my dorm has no hot water right now and there is no way i would be able to survive in a freezing cold fucking shower.

i feel so gross right now.

I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.

I just had an amazing weekend at home in Berlin. I had a nice birthday party on Friday night, a huge breakfast birthday party this morning, and a wonderful lazy day yesterday with Nate.

And he bought me a fucking amazing sewing machine that embroiders and has a friggen touch screen!

Wow.   I love this boy.

HAhahahahahahahaha......

when i got pregnant in junior year of high school and told the person who i thought was my best friend.


because, as we all can deduce, she told the whole entire fucking school.

But I heard she was pregnant earlier this year. So I guess she had it coming to her.

So I'm fucking white. And by white I mean probably still tan compared to a pale person, but the whitest I've ever been.

So I bought some Jergens Natural Glow Express self tanning lotion and some Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer.

Lets see if this shit works. It says the express stuff will make me darker in 3 days, and then the other stuff will maintain (or darken me in about a week if used alone).

So hopefully I'll be black by next week so that when I go home for the summer I can just start tanning my ass off and be a really good color by the time beach weather kicks in.

What have I lost that I wish I still had?........... I don't really know actually... I've gained so much in my life so I think that the things that I have lost were meant to be lost: bad friends, neglect, adversity, etc.

So...nothing in that sense, really.

But material goods, my camera that someone stole from my own party.  I wish I had that. I bought a newer, better camera so I guess something good came out of it, but I wish I had the trust that I used to have.

Yeah, thats what I've lost.....trust.....even though I still trust way too much.

Well there, I went for a walk and I feel a little bit better now. Hopefully I burned some of the calories I took in today. I don't know. I'm just really looking forward to getting to my goal weight, that's all.

I feel horrible today. I feel disgusting. And the thing is, I didn't even eat THAT much based on what a normal person would eat.

Because I skipped dinner last night (stupid, I know), I had the can of soup that I was supposed to eat..for breakfast.

Breakfast: Soup -        200 calories
Lunch: Turkey Pita-    400 calories (I'm not exactly sure because the dining hall said it was like 245 but it was huge so there is no way)
Snack: Huge apple-   100 calories
Dinner: Salad with croutons and fat free sun dried tomato dressing- 300 calories

so all in all thats 1000 calories, which is more than I normally eat. And I just don't want to gain weight because I'm so close to my goal. hmm.


Oh well, at least I haven't purges since last Friday. Hooray!
(although i really want to)



<3

Fuck fuck everything! I was supposed to wake up early yesterday morning so that I could buy tickets to see Modest Mouse on June 13th at the Tweeter Center.... and I didn't wake up until like 12:00... and didn't remember about the tickets until like 5:30. So I couldn't get good tickets and was pissed off.

And now I can't even get tickets. And I was looking SO forward to seeing them, you have no idea. AHhhhh!
I bought my Warped Tour tickets though, so I guess thats one concert that I'm actually going to and I hit several birds with one stone.

But I hate myself for not being up at 10. Gahh.

45 days until summer.

So its Friday, Dave is here visiting, we are playing RockBand, and I'm drinking my ass off tonight.

This is a good day. This will be a good weekend. Too bad its raining.
probably a stupid drunk post tonight freaking out about how much I wish I didn't drink or how its going to make me fat.
Eh, that's how it goes, I guess.

I guess to tell you the truth, the last thing I "got away with" isn't something that I'm proud to have gotten away with.


I purge. I admit that I am bulimic. And it kills me to say it and think about it, but I am. I don't know exactly when it started, but all of a sudden I started doing it once a month, once every couple of weeks, once a week, once every couple of days, to now sometimes doing it 3 times every single day.

I absolutely hate it. I hate that I have this obsession with food and thinness and weight loss. I hate that all I think about is "this food is going to make me gain weight." I hate weighing myself 5 times every day. Most of all I hate how it affects my relationship and emotions. It really stresses Nate out and thats the last thing that I want to do. I know he cares about me and I know he thinks I'm beautiful, and it kills him to think about the fact that I don't feel the same way about myself.

But I'm trying. I'm trying really really hard not to throw up. And I can honestly say that the last thing I really did get away with was not throwing up at all yesterday. I did it for one day and I didn't even gain any weight. I guess that's something to be proud of.

I've done a considerable amount of Spring Cleaning this year. I've done this both in material and spiritual terms. A few weeks ago Nate and I cleaned out our room, starting from one corner and working to the next. We finally ended with cleaning everything out of the closet and throwing away what we didn't need. I guess that's a really good thing to make sure you do: throw away things that are just taking up space.
I have applied that concept to matters in my life other than the material world. I am learning to be more accepting and forgiving. I am trying to let go of grudges that are just taking up space within my heart. I'm trying not to hold onto the hurtful and ultimately meaningless things that people may say or think or even write about me. In the end I know that the valuable things in my life, the valuable people and thoughts and emotions will fill up all of the empty spaces that I once filled with the clutter and junk that I had there before.
I didn't really mean for this to be such a deep or thought-provoking post, but I guess thats just how things turn out when you're thinking too much.

Good Night!
47 days until my summer officially starts.